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“It was her chaos that made her beautiful.” -Atticus

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2014 Anxiety Issues

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So before I had this blog, like a long time ago I had another blog that I wrote on sometimes in high school. There are some decent posts on there. So I thought I would repost some, starting with this one and edit them a little bit to make them a little more mature. So here is a post I wrote in September of 2014 about my anxiety issues:

I have anxiety issues, which I have mentioned more than a few times. But that is because it is a very important thing about me. It influences everything in my life, everyday of my life. My anxiety issues stem from a fear of being embarrassed. I am like deadly afraid of being embarrassed. And yes so is everyone else, but mine is quite a bit more intense. I won’t flip a coin in front of someone in fear of doing it wrong and feeling embarrassed. I hate, hate to play games with people in fear I could somehow embarrass myself. So when everyone else is excited to play a game, I am going to hide in the bathroom to avoid it.

I am afraid to say the wrong thing and embarrass myself. I can find a potential way of embarrassing myself in any situation. I have had many people say to me that in some certain situation I cannot embarrass myself. Oh well try me, I can find a way to feel humiliated. And a lot of the things I am afraid of are not rational. That is part of having an intense fear, it doesn’t matter if your fear is rational or irrational you are still super afraid. So my way of phrasing my problem is that I have anxiety issues. And then because of the fact that I can always potentially embarrass myself, I am anxious all the time. I am constantly on edge, I cannot relax while in the midst of other people.

There are many annoyances with having these anxiety issues. Though right now the most annoying thing is not being able to explain it to others. One thing I say a lot is that people who don’t have anxiety don’t understand anxiety. And so far in my life I am around a lot of people who don’t seem to have more than the normal amount of anxiety. So when I try to explain my problem to them they just look at me like I am nuts. They say that I will be fine and I can do it. They say there is no way I will be embarrassed. And obviously nothing they say helps in the least bit.

When we are about to play a game at school or at youth group I always go to sit out, and everyone tells me to play the game. But I say no and have to look like a buzzkill just sitting on the sidelines. It is not my fault though, I don’t want to be annoying by sitting out, but I have to. I am so afraid to play the game, so afraid. They don’t understand that, and I can’t explain it. I can’t tell them why and make them understand and I hate it. I have tried a bunch of times. I have tried to explain my anxiety, but no one gets it. Maybe like 1 out of 10 people will get it, but then the other 9 people tell me to suck it up and play. I can’t suck it up and play. You don’t understand.

So after a super long time of trying to explain this to people I just don’t want to anymore. I am sick of the looks. So I just sit there having everyone think I am a poor sport. I hate having people think that. It is so hard, I hate this anxiety. And i am working on it, trying to be less anxious. But it won’t be fixed any time soon. It is going to take awhile, so for now I am going to have to put up with being the “poor sport” on the sidelines. and I guess people can just think whatever they want. because I can’t magically fix it for now. And I can’t make them get it, because people who don’t have anxiety, just don’t understand it.

-Emily Grace (eroxursox)

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