Because Of The People

Loading Likes...

Ok, so my guy friend just showed me this video of this slide thing (like a water slide) where you go down this huge slide and then fly up into the air and fall in the pool. He said that it looks so awesome and we should do it. Yes, I agree that looks awesome. But also terrifying, and the thing is for me it’s not terrifying for the normal reasons you’d think.

So I have anxiety issues that have to do with this fear of embarrassing myself in any situation. That slide video doesn’t scare me because of the slide itself. I am totally ok with going down a giant slide, flying into the air and falling into a pool of water. That sounds fun. In the video though there are also loads and loads of people all around watching the person use the slide. There is a giant audience there to watch you. That’s what scares me.

When my guy friend said we should do that I didn’t know what to say. Because I would 50% love to do that. But I would also 50% hate it and die of anxiety. Because of all the people, because of the audience that would be watching me. I would love to go on that slide, if no one else was there. I could never do it with all those people watching me.

This is a thing about me that annoys a lot of people. Because they want to do something fun with me but I can’t do it. And what annoys them most is that I’m not actually afraid of doing the thing itself, I am afraid of the people. So, my friends know I am not doing something I want to do just cause of my anxiety, and it bothers them. I guess they do have a right to be bothered by it. They don’t get to do the fun thing with me cause of my messed-up-ness. And they know I don’t get to do a fun thing I would like to do because of my messed-up-ness.

But it’s okay, I don’t want it to bug anyone. I am not going to do the thing and it’s okay. I am not going to go home and cry about it. You go get another friend to do it with and I will more then happily watch you do it. Having my friends push me to do things that give me anxiety doesn’t help. The pushing doesn’t help, it just makes me feel worse.

My anxiety is getting better everyday. And one day I will be able to do things like go on that slide in the video. But today I can’t, right now I can’t. And that is something that is hard to explain to people, cause they think I am scared of the thing itself, but I’m not, it’s the people. People say just to suck it up and do it, but that’s not how this thing works. I won’t do it and then feel happy that I did it. I’ll do it and then cry about it later.

And I am sorry to the people that want to do fun things with me but can’t. I am sorry, I feel bad about that. But it’s just life. Right now you just get someone else to do it with and I’ll happily hold your bags. Then maybe one day we can do it together. I’m working on it…

-Emily Grace (eroxursox)

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

CAPTCHA: Enter Numbers