Brain Thoughts

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So I had a problem today. My brain thoughts are just such assholes and they make things that don’t have to be a nightmare become a nightmare.

So I was upset today and that caused me to cry. And oh yeah cry for a bit and continue on with your day like a normal freaking person. But the thing is when I am crying that means that I am sad. and when I am sad my brain thoughts come in. It is just me thinking inside my head. But it is me thinking with my sad never-ending depression brain and it is going on and on like a bitch being freaking mean to me.

It no longer matters what made me sad to begin with (which sucks because then the person who made me sad originally just thinks that he made me soooo sad but no it’s my brain). It is now just my brain thinking about all the sad things in life and stresses and all the things I hate about the world. And then also all the things I hate about myself. And my thoughts inside my head keep bogging me down and making me feel so deeply horrible and I just can’t smile and I can’t stop effing crying. Yes I started crying, but now I cannot stop crying. Because I just keep thinking and thinking in my brain all the crappy things I do and all the things I’m mad at myself for not doing. And it makes me just want to cry more and more. And my thoughts say ‘oh yeah this is going to be everyday just this shitty-ness, what’s the point’.

Ok.. But then I get my other more logical part of my brain saying that ‘I need to be ok and that this is just depression talking’. Cause I do realize. But realizing that my thoughts are mean and being dicks doesn’t actually stop those thoughts at all. Then it is me having both thoughts and actually hating myself more now for this struggle going on with all the thoughts and the everything and then I just wanna cry again… It is so…… Frustrating I guess. So it was 2 hours (probably more) of me just sitting and chilling and crying.. and feeling like garbage.. Because of those effing thoughts!!

So.. Yeah, that’s how my days go. I feel like I should say beware of making me sad… Because then it never ends.. And we can never get back to just being ok… Because I can’t stop the damn.. Effing.. Thoughts..

I just wanna be ok, I just wanna stop crying and be happy. Thoughts please shut up. I am trying to shut them up. The logical side of me that catches me being a dick to myself tries to then talk sense into me and tell myself to be ok again. This isn’t fixed at all yet. it is actually new, I recently got off my depression meds that I was on for awhile. And I finally think I learned what they did. cause I wasn’t sure what they were actually helping with. Well it was the brain thoughts, I think.

I remember having more of these terrible douche thoughts before being on meds. And for sure I had less of the asshole thoughts on the meds. So now the thoughts are back, full force, saying ‘I am going to make you hate yourself, you bitch’. But now I am coming back and saying ‘you are the bitch you bitch, I am not so bad, you need to stop being a dick to me’. So I hope to make progress in the talking back to the bitch in my head, maybe she’ll shut up eventually?? I don’t know.

But yeah, I wrote a blog post. So yay. Lol. Goodnight.

– Emily Grace | eroxursox

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