Church…

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Hey, so you guys wanna talk about church? No? Me neither, but we’re gonna do it anyway. So I grew up in a Christian family where we went to church lots. When I was younger it was no big deal, you see some friends and be bored for a little while. Then when I was a preteen and teenager it was fun. Because I had friends there and you could just sit with your friend and whisper to each other the whole time. But over the years I have slowly began to resent church for some reason.

Warning: When writing this blog post I got a little angry so try not to be too bothered if I’m a little aggressive.

So I am 19 right now almost 20 and I hate church. I haven’t always felt this way and I don’t know how I will feel about it in the future. But right now I hate church. And I don’t mean like I hate it just like oh it’s boring, but like I actually feel uncomfortable in churches and just want to get the hell out. I have nothing against God or anything, this isn’t hate towards Him. It’s just hate towards the whole stupid church system and the people in churches.

It used to be so bad that I would go to church with my mom and had to walk home early cause I just couldn’t stop feeling like I was gonna cry. Don’t ask me why that was cause I’m not even totally sure. But I have moved past that and now it’s more like I just feel disdain towards anything church related. In church I just want to glare at everyone and scoff at everything. Not as a disrespect to God, but as a disrespect to the people in the church.

So I know a few reasons why I feel this way, I don’t know everything. Some of these feelings are still confusing to me. But I know I really don’t like the general type of people in churches. Not to clump them all together, there are some fine people in churches. But in the small town churches I have been to this is just what I have noticed. The people are know-it-alls, who are judgmental and think they are better then you. I have piercings and I like to wear not so modest clothes and I like to color my hair. And you have no idea how unwelcome I feel by those church people. They either look at me like I shouldn’t be there. Or they look at me like, “oh poor her, she needs our Christian help.”

I have learned from my mother that Christians are supposed to be nonjudgmental and humble and I don’t feel that at all from these people. I have never felt more judged then when I’m in a church. They want you to cover up and look “normal” and boring. And I don’t want that. I don’t wanna be those people. And it bothers them that I don’t wanna be like them and they look down on me. I have been looked down on so much in my life and I am so sick of it. Get away from me you people cause I will deck you, I don’t care if we’re in a church.

When I am in a church with all the church people I just have this overwhelming shitty feeling that I can’t even explain. The second I walk in there I just wanna get out. It’s this shitty feeling that I used to feel in high school where I was bullied. It’s this feeling of being not wanted and below the other people. And I am not below those people. I think I am nicer then those people. But oh when I am in a church it’s the worse feeling ever. It could just be coming from me and my messed-up-ness or maybe it actually is coming from the people.

But oh, all I wanna do is walk into a church wearing the sluttiest clothes, swear a whole bunch and tell everyone to kiss my ass. That would make me feel so good. I don’t care how stupid, immature or messed up that sounds, it’s the truth. Churches make me feel like a piece of shit and I hate it and I want to punch everyone. And please don’t be like, “oh poor girl, she’s so messed up with this weird problem she has, we should talk to her about it.” Yeah, noo. Leave me alone. I just don’t like churches. And I think I need to go to a church somewhere where people have tattoos and piercings and not these old fashioned churches in small towns where everyone is like, “oh I’m so perfect.” Yeah, we all know you’re not. Where are my modern, not judgmental churches at? Cause I’d try those.

-Emily Grace (eroxursox)

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