Empty… Nothing

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I’m not okay. I feel nothing. I feel like nothing. Inside there is nothing. It is an empty, soulless pit. Hi, my name is Emily Grace and I am nothing. Not literally, but internally. There is nothing there. No happiness, no sadness, no anger, no excitement. Every time I stop and my brain goes somewhere and it is just nothing. It is empty. I feel numb, I feel dead. I cry and I cry and it’s nothing. It’s empty.

Well I know that sounded over dramatic and super worrisome. But that is my brain. That is how I feel. I try to feel things and sometimes maybe I do. But I am never sure. Well you know what, if I do feel something, all it is, is pain. All I feel is pain. I try to feel other things but in the background it is always pain, has been for as long as I can remember.

I don’t want everyone messaging me acting all weird and worried about me. There is nothing to be worried or alarmed about, this is normal. For me this is normal. This isn’t me being suicidal or anything like that. This is no change in my normal mood. This is my normal mood. Whether I have said it like this to you or not this is how I always feel.

I always feel either nothingness or pain. Sometimes it is actually nice to feel pain cause it reminds me I can maybe feel something. Otherwise it is just nothing. It is blank, it is empty, it is dark. I stop and breathe and there is nothing. There is numbness. Then my brain starts to hurt. Everything starts to hurt, did it ever stop hurting, i don’t know.

Breathing is hard, all the time, always. Thinking is hard.. Walking is hard.. Looking in the mirror is hard. Smiling is easy cause I always do it. Silence is hard. Happy things are hard cause I am never really happy. Fun things are hard cause they’re never really fun. Sex is hard cause it’s never really anything.. It’s empty, like my soul, like my heart, like my mind.

Being alive is hard. But I don’t wanna die. I wanna feel. I wanna breathe. I wanna not be empty. But then again all I can ever remember is emptiness. What would it be like to not be empty.. Would it be scary.. I think so. But shouldn’t it be better. My hole has been my horrible home for so long, I can’t imagine not being in it.

People think I am messed up, I am broken. I am.. I wanna feel sexy to feel something. I wanna feel smart, I wanna feel useful, I wanna feel like less of nothing. Where is the something I wanna feel. Where is the life and future I am supposed to have. It is also nothing. Or is there something. I can’t feel it, I can’t see it. It is empty along with everything else in me. It is all empty.. Will it ever be full.. Can I handle it.. Who am I, what is this.. Do I want help. Do I need help. What is help.

I’m okay, don’t be alarmed. This is normal. Nothing is normal. Concentrate on breathing, breathe for me, please..

– Emily Grace | eroxursox

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