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“It was her chaos that made her beautiful.” -Atticus

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Guys.. I’m having an issue. Today was a fine, normal day. But my boyfriend went out with some of his friends for the day. So I am home alone. Normally I would be super happy about being home alone. But lately I don’t enjoy it as much as I should.

I feel very depressed lately when I am alone. I don’t know why. Maybe I have just gotten so used to having someone here. /Usually I want to be alone because I like doing my own thing. But I am so lonely right now. I just wanna cry. I feel so sad being alone like this. I feel so pointless. I feel so useless. When someone is here I feel like a helpful, loved person. Alone I just feel like a useless, stupid person.

My mean, depression brain keeps talking to me when I am alone. Telling me I am useless. It is really hard. I used to love being alone. I don’t wanna be alone right now. I want someone to ask me to get them water. Or someone to annoyingly touch me.

I learned this thing a bit ago about living alone or with someone. Would you rather be annoyed or lonely? I would rather be annoyed. I would rather live with someone then live alone. The annoyance of the other person is worth it to have the company. But now it’s like I can’t enjoy any time alone at all. I wanna be “annoyed” constantly.

I don’t think this is good. Being alone is healthy. Wanting to do your own thing and watch your own shows is healthy. That used to be my favorite thing in the world. But today and lately I can’t do it, I can’t enjoy it, I hate it. I feel horrible when I am alone. It’s like I need another person with me to make me feel like I have worth, like I am not useless. But that’s bad. I should feel that way on my own.

Gosh, every time I think I have gotten less messed up, a new problem pops in to make sure I’m just as crazy as always. Fun… Kind of thinking I should go back to counselling. Some issues I have fixed myself, but then new ones just keep popping up as soon as something else is better. Grrr.. Life. Guess I got a new issue to fix. 😛

-Emily Grace (eroxursox)

 

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