What’s Life?

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I get really frustrated with all these shows about self preservation. Where there is some horrible thing going on and people are fighting to live. I have never understood it. Like why fight to live in this, in misery and war, why? Just die. Everyone seems to want to survive for some reason, whatever that may be. But I have always been over here like, why? This sucks, this life you want to live sucks. Why do you want to live it? Why don’t we all just want to die? Everyone is fucked and depressed and life is hard. What is this that I’m supposed to be doing? I don’t get it, I don’t see it. The beauty in life. I’m confused, and I seem to be alone in this feeling. Everyone is like be happy, live life, have hope. Hope in what? Having to have a job and struggle for money your whole life..

Lets move to the forest with no electricity and no need for money and jobs and shitty people. Lets just hunt for food and poop in the bushes. Fuck this life. It doesn’t seem too great to me, or full of hope and shit. It’s just life that is struggle and trying so hard to live. Trying for what? The human race doesn’t seem that great to me. Oh, we are this great species trying to live some sort of pointless lives. Doing what? Killing the earth, killing each other. Like it’s shit, it’s crap. and honestly I know people will read this and not understand how I can feel this way. But I don’t understand how you don’t feel this way.

And yes I love my loved ones, they are great, they make me happy. But the world still sucks, life still sucks, struggle still sucks. And I don’t see the point. Oh, you stay alive to be with your loved ones. But like why are they here either, what’s the point? Everything seems too pointless and hard. Like could life just not be so stressful? The thought of the future, it’s just blank and I see no excitement in it. Oh yay the future, fun, who cares. Am I different? Why do i feel this way and no one else?

If I post this I feel like people will take it wrong. People think that when you have wonderful loved ones you shouldn’t be depressed anymore. Loved ones feel hurt when someone who they try to make happy still feels this way. Being loved and happy with someone doesn’t make this go away for me. Having a good job or crap doesn’t make this go away. I have felt this way about life and the future for as long as I can remember and it doesn’t go away.

Why does everything seem so dumb and pointless? My mom would say it’s because I’m not trusting in God enough. And maybe that’s true. But some God stuff is what makes me so confused and blah at the world. Everything is confusing and hard and in a grey area and I just don’t see the point. But I guess I got to work to figure out the point. Because even if I feel this way, others don’t. And so I’ll be here loving my loved ones and trying to feel more about life. Feel anything for life, hate it less maybe.

– Emily Grace | eroxursox

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