Death An Emotions

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Death is a very new concept to me. First person in my life who ever died was my father when I was 21, I think. Second person 2 years later around, my grandfather. Both male role models, ooph. Pretty harsh world, you are not nice, but I effing knew that already. There are a lot of horrible things about death, man it sucks ass worse then anything.

But honestly I want to say my number one most hated thing about death, is that it forces emotion. It makes other people pressure you to have certain emotions and it causes many emotions in other people. And mostly, 90% of it is negative emotions, sadness, anger, regret, etc.

Life is full of emotions, and I enjoy the positive ones. I am a person full, deeply freakin’ full of depression. And I feel negative emotions all the time, I try not to feel them because they take over me. I hate deeply that death causes these negative emotions in people you love whom you want to feel positive emotions. Then also causes negative emotions in you. The different kinds of emotions are different for everyone and every experience. But there will always be people expecting you to feel what they feel, and outwardly show those emotions, as maybe they are.

Some people hate outwardly showing negative emotions. It does not mean they are ignoring them or holding them in. It can just mean that some people like to feel those emotions in privacy when they are ready to. But then they get judged by others for how they deal with things. You know death is a very deep pain that should be left to the person feeling it to decide what they do. Don’t try to control how someone else feels. And then don’t assume that they aren’t feeling something just because they act ok.

And you know what, sometimes things happen at a bad effing time. And those intense emotions that death causes, you just can’t handle at that time. Life is beating you up and you can’t handle all of these emotions. So you just leave them for now and wait until you can handle them. And then you are just judged and therapized by all these people thinking you’re being a dumb ass f*ck or something. And like just leave me alone, do I not have the choice of when I want to mourn. Is it not my choice, you don’t need to control everything so hard that you have to tell me when to feel what I feel.

Leave me be, I am figuring it out. Let people mourn however they want to. Obviously be respectful of how others feel, which I can do. But like death is the worse. Can’t I freaking process for as long as I would like to, isn’t it about me figuring this out and you worry about your own mourning process. Let me deal with mine.

But yeah that is what I really hate about death, the emotions. Emotions are hard and I think it is even harder to feel them at the same time as everyone else. I’m trying to help them but then I have emotions too, but I just want to be fine. Then people send around more sad things to make you sad and I don’t want to be sad, I just want to be fine. I am stressed and depressed and I want to be fine. But death makes things not fine, not fine at all. And we’re expected to feel all of these emotions and show them. I don’t want to show them.

Let me be chill, let me breathe, let me make my own life decisions. It is my life, let me be, it is hard, f*ck everything is hard. Emotions are the worst man, I want to not feel them. But I do, I would still like to do it in private though and not in front of my entire extended family.

Love you Grandpa ♥ ♥ and Dad ♥ ♥, but you know that ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥.

(And also to whoever reads this and thinks I am talking about them, I am not just talking about you, I am talking about multiple people.)

– Emily Grace | eroxursox

2 Responses to “Death An Emotions

  • Allison burgers
    6 months ago

    Stay strong ! Could never imagine what your going through! Life is always a mystery, with curve balls at every corner, some you catch, some just hit you right in the face ! Its just how you deal with it that matters! Hope the best for you and things get better!

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